Those of you who’ve been following the official Twitter stream should know that Jean has escaped his captors and is currently back in New York, although his exact location is a secret known only to himself. That makes him still technically missing, and so this site continues to be relevant. Team Langzhai HQ is explicitly avoiding contact with our leader – a move which protects us and gives him the freedom to seek revenge upon the kingpin who shall not be named.*

Love,
Carrie Chesterton
Head of Media Relations (Interim)
Team Langzhai Inc.
.

* Explicit instructions on how Team Langzhai should react in the event of Jean’s disappearance were found shortly after his kidnapping, in a sealed envelope marked “Open in case of kidnapping by ***** ********”.

Pam undergoing emergency surgery

Dear friends,

It is under tragic circumstances that I have to introduce myself to you today. My name is Carrie Chesterton, and I will be filling in for Pamela Rebecca Ho who was viciously assaulted last night in a carpark where she was supposed to meet an informant who claimed to know Jean’s whereabouts. The matter is being investigated in parallel with Jean’s kidnapping here in Prague, and we believe that Pam was targeted for her involvement with Team Langzhai.

She was struck on the back of the head with a large bottle of Polo Sport perfume, the fragments of which were found at the scene of the crime. Shortly after being found, she underwent emergency surgery here at a local hospital and is currently in critical condition. Doctors have induced a coma to increase her chances of survival. We will update you here if the situation changes.

The search for Jean continues. What now know that he is in a forested tropical area, and are quickly narrowing down the list of possible places where he might have been taken.

Carrie.

Washington Post - Alive!!

Excerpt from WP article

Yesterday evening’s news that Jean was still alive came as an incredible relief for all of us here at Team Langzhai. We are working hard to establish his current location, and will report back as more details emerge. Thanks for keeping the faith!

– Pam Ho.

Below is an excerpt from ChannelNewsPraha.cx:

“Mr. Langzhai may already be dead, his body disposed of in one of Prague’s many beautiful rivers and bodies of water,” Police Chief Josef Vražda said this morning. “By not giving in to the kidnappers’ demands, Team Langzhai has jeopardized their employer’s life, although one cannot wish for a better place to die than here in the historic city of Prague, known for its charming Baroque architecture and delightful world-class restaurants.”

Team Langzhai spokesperson Pamela Ho vehemently denied claims of mismanagement, saying “everything that can be done to save Jean’s life, is being done. We do not believe that Mr. Bec– I mean the kidnappers, had any intention of releasing him after the payment was delivered. We will see this through, and Jean is tougher than any of us give him credit for.”

Jean Langzhai Kidnapped on Assignment in Prague

Our story made it into a major European newspaper today with the headline, “Jean Langzhai Kidnapped on Assignment in Prague”. Hopefully this will bring people with information forward.

The post has since been removed from that site, but we managed to copy and paste an excerpt before it went down. Team Langzhai makes no claim of ownership or endorsement of the views below:

So Jean Langzhai’s finally been kidnapped, supposedly because he exposed his whereabouts during a publicity stunt on Twitter. What a self-important dickwad, spamming phones with his boring exploits. To be honest, I don’t understand why some hot, horny women would want his schmucky ass over mine. Oh that’s right, they wouldn’t.

I guess that just leaves one explanation: long-time supermodel archrival cum crime boss Tyson Beckford. Man, I wouldn’t want to be Jean right now, and not just because his dick is smaller than mine.

Reprinted below here are the “tweets” from Jean’s first 24 hours on Twitter, from the account of a friend whose identity will not be revealed. This excludes many @replies to other twitterers, redacted for their privacy.

Pam R. Ho

—-

• Let me introduce myself for the sake of those who hate beautiful things. My name is Jean Langzhai, of French-German-Chinese descent.
• I’ve been told that Langzhai means “prettyboy” in Cantonese. Coincidence? You decide.
• the hardest part of waking up is dealing with these slightly-less-than-stunning hair days
• After birth, the doctor considered reassigning my gender, as i was too beautiful for a boy. Women everywhere thank god he didn’t.
• On my way to a photo shoot now after 2000 sit-ups. I don’t think they’re ready for this lack of jelly.
• Just spent the last hour working my right side, I think I have a flashbulb tan now. After lunch I’ll break out the left-sided “Adonis”.
• the lunch cart is full of junk food for the crew. No better than pig swill. I’m not defiling this temple with chicken nuggets!
• an assistant offered me her salad lunch from home. Poor naive girl, does she think anyone actually eats ICEBERG lettuce?
• true fact: the scent of ‘musk’ wasn’t named after a deer, it was originally discovered in my nether regions, underneath my ‘musket’.
• finally done with today’s swimwear shoot at the convent. these sisters aren’t going to be sleeping easily tonight, i’ll tell you that.
• going to a models-only party. at last, a beautiful world where i can open my eyes and stop holding my breath!
• I just walked into a PLUS-SIZE models’ party. Going home to exfoliate and toss these clothes into a furnace now. Fuck.
• [Next day]
• Woke up alone for once. It’s a strange feeling in a bed custom-made to hold eighteen.
• Heading out for a medieval-themed photoshoot at the zoo now. I think I may have to ride a tiger in a loincloth. (I’m wearing, not the tiger)
• thanks for the inquiries, but i am not gay. i would sooner sleep with one of you common women than another man.
• just made some other male models at the shoot cry. this is why i hate communal showers.
• i’m dealing with amateurs here. they actually sent a MAKEUP ARTIST to my room! have they never worked with professionals?
• Alright who gave Heidi Klum my new number? I had to pretend I was in the middle of a colonic to escape being dressed by Project Retard.
• adieu, my fat friends. my publicist says this was good for my image, i’ve reached out to a fraction of a miniscule percent of my fans. xoxo

as you may have already learnt, Jean Langzhai was abducted earlier today. I have started this blog to keep everyone updated on the situation as we pray for his safe return. The more technologically inclined amongst you may also subscribe to our “Twitter” account at http://www.twitter.com/langzhai, where smaller updates will occur throughout the day.

If anyone has any information at all on his whereabouts, please contact us through Twitter or send an email to jeanlangzhai@gmail.com.

Sincerely,
Pamela Rebecca Ho
Head of Media Relations
Team Langzhai Inc.